I have measured out my life with coffee spoons. T.S. ELIOT

Is It The Right Job For Me?
yesterday night , i finally got a job , as an English teacher. i searched the job information from the Internet and i gave two calls, one was as a waitress , the other was an English teacher. obviously i chose the latter one. i dialed some numbers and through the phone, a man's voice passing to my ears. he seemed to be quite interested in me , a foreigner. he said he would come to see me then , though it was 10 pm already. i agreed reluctantly and we met in front of the kookmin university gate. i saw a quite good car when i reached there and i could feel it was the man's car and i was right. he was a thin short man of 50 years old... scarily thin .... but he seemed to be a little rich. after a short meet, he sent me back to the dormitory and let me come to his office today. i had a sleepless night because i was afraid of being cheated. anyway, the morning came and i dressed up and went to his office which was 1 hour's way from here. he picked me up from the subway and took me to the office which was a fixed estate company and he was the boss. we talked in detail about the teaching plan and he drove me and another man to a nice place, a folk museum and a temple. we had dinner there and having some fresh air, he drove me back to the dormitory again around 9 pm. tomorrow will be the first lesson of teaching him English and i prepared some materials from a book.
i hope he will be interested in the content and give me a good easy money. he said he would decide how much he would pay for me after some time. i think he wants to know whether i am a good English teacher or not. let us see what will happen in this mysterious exiting summer!

A tragedy means always a man's struggle with that which is stronger than man.

Leisure is Allowed to Do Nothing
it is vacation time , hot summer vacation. till now i did nothing. everyday i was hanging outside with hippo. i am expecting something excellent happen in this dreary summer days... i do not want to bore myself by staying in room and doing nothing at all. wish something exciting to cheer me up...i need to say something when my classmates ask me after the vacation, i can not just say"nothing happened... i was staying in room and sleeping and eating" oh, my god... what kind of life it will be...
i went out dinner with hippo and her friend, GengCheng.GengCheng was one of hippo's follower once upon a time. he is a very nice boy with a pleasant appearance. hippo wanted him to bring some clothes for her cousin because he was going back to china soon. we had bibimbab in the same place where tantrum and i went together.
and i took a picture for them in front of "Korean university" where i had sweet time...

Fear is not an unknown emotion to us.

A Big Chinese Dinner with A Small Money
today i became very depressed from the early morning, because hippo was moving out. the good times of living with her was another treasure in my life and i put her into my list of BFF, best friend forever. we eat, sleep, shower, shopping together, we shared the happiness and sorrow together... after crying over her left today, i did a good clean of the room and made a plan for having dinner together. the clean room lifted my mood, and she ordered pizza and chicken for us in the afternoon.
we went out around 6 30 pm with another friend of her, to hyewa road, where we found a good Chinese restaurant and we had a hearty dinner. the mutton was the main dish and i really enjoyed it a lot. the best part was when we paying for it, the boss made a mistake in calculating, maybe, we were confused but run away as soon as possible. we saved half of the total payment. after dinner we did a little shopping in the street, then went back to dormitory happily.

SEHUA MOVED OUT TODAY! she is going back china for vacation very soon.

We begin to die as soon as we are born, and the end is linked to the beginning.

동반자 자살
today i went out with hippo and we met one of her friends in "sengxin university" we had dinner together and we watched movie in the evening. the name of the movie is "동반자자살" a Korean movie which meant "accompany suicide" it is a movie about 4 high school girls horrible story. it began with a girls mysterious suicide by jumping off from a capitol (similar to the former Korean president) and later it focused on a intimate friend of her whose name was"소희" , while besides 소희 and 은주(the one who committed suicide in the beginning) there were two girls suspected to be relevant to the death. most of the scenes were in the dark capitol, library and washing room. the shot gave us some unsafe space, which was always drawing some distance from the object and the technique of this unsafe space hoisted my heart and sank my stomach all of sudden. it is about supernatural(the dead one who revenge after death, as a ghost), about friendship, betraying, deceiving, love, jealousy, death and life. from the name of the movie, we could guess something about committing suicide with someone together. originally, it was a trap by one of the girls who was very jealousy. 은주 was a very beautiful and excellent in all aspects, and attracted a lot of boys' attention and a lot jealousy of girls at the same time. the jealousy girl got angry because the boy she liked also preferred 은주 to her. meanwhile, 소희 got pregnant and she said she wanted to commit suicide, which gave the jealousy girl a very cruel and horrible idea. she said she would accompany her to die, which was a trap to give a false information to 은주 who promised to die together with 소희 after she knew it. four girls swear to die together and when they were really standing at the edge of the high capitol, only 은주 jumped off the building while the rest three were standing back... the dead girl was revenging after death... the three girls also suffered a lot in life, they were haunted by 은주 and all of them committed suicide at last. because they would rather die than suffer from the sin they did to 은주.
the last scene of the movie is the most horrible one in my view. a man was coming out from a hotel with a girl , when the girl turned back, we saw it was 은주, the dead one;s face but a different hairstyle... maybe the man was the one who made 소희 pregnant in the first place... she was revenging for her best friend to the man... my god...
i was too scared by the movie. and it influenced my body functions. i was suffering from diarrhea and fever...

If your life is ever going to get better, you'll have to take risks. There is simply no way you can grow without taking chances.

today i broke the record of waking up at 2 pm in my living life, it was 2 :34 pm when i opened my eyes , no one was in the room but hippo. we looked at each other sleepily and gave a wink ^^, meaning "you pig , so lazy" we got up together and went for lunch in the kitchen. we had last night's chicken porridge and watched movie for a while, the movie was about a white shark got mad after being tested by some scientists and how it become an attacking and horrible creature revenging on the scientists. in the afternoon i chatted, dozed off for sometime and finished the "landscape in Wordsworth" , which tortured me more than a month... feeling fresh after that. so relaxed! but i fear i would get very low marks because of my ill behaviour last time... notorious for copying ...nearly got expelled , what kind of life i am leading , worse than an animal , even inferior to plant.
i cried again today after half a month from the airport, for my roommate's leaving me. i was feeling so sad. fortunately she was living somewhere near to my dormitory so i could visit her.^^

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~Barnett R. Brickner

what am i expecting from a marriage? my ideal marriage life?
nothing complicating about my life whether married or single.
i need everything clear and simple enough.
no argument with husband or anyone related to him.
i submit to his mother father brother no matter reasonable or not.
i love my husband and he should love me.
the house need not be lavishly decorated, but it should be spacious enough to throw a party.
the tv should be thin enough and digital.
the brands of furniture should be at least samsung.
and...we should be happy being together , losing the sense of time and space .
i should be eager to see my husband and he should be the same feeling with me ...

I know the price of success: dedication, hard work and an unremitting devotion to the things you want to see happen.

i finished another paper today and handed it to the professor. when i got to the office, unfortunately the professor was there, absorbed in reading something in a dark room... i bolted the door and shuffled towards the professor carefully.the atmosphere in the room was very misty and dark, arranged with 2 bookshelves at the door, and desks along the walls. the professor was sitting in front of the wall besides windows. i bended over at seeing him and gave it to him humbly. he seemed a little dizzy from working too hard. after handing in the paper, hippo and i went for shopping first by bus to "chengxin women's university", where i bought a pair of shoes then we took line four to mingdong. mingdong was always bustling with people. we hung around mingdong and she bought 2 t shirts while i bought a jean skirt. she also tried to buy some dress, but nothing fitted on her for her too spacious body... one dress both of us liked a lot, i wanted to have it a eagerly but i controlled my desire as i was suffering some financial crisis, which meant i could not buy whatever i desire -.- fortunately i am very forgetful, later i just forgot about the dress and went back dorm happily.
it was almost 7 pm and after a short chatting with tantrum, i had to help hippo to move stuffs to her new room. her new room was not big but snug and near to our dorm. her moving out gave me heartbroken and i was feeling so sad. no sooner we became so close than she left me. we had dinner together with her two friends in a Chinese restaurant, where i have never been before. we had hotpot and barbecue. i love it. around 12 pm we went back room with a jolly heart.
but i still have one paper left, which has tortured me since a long long time ago, i need to finish it anyhow... the more i delay it, the more suffering... life is suffering, but still good enough.

“I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.”

i started my day by some Indian songs from the website and tried to write something on the paper. tantrum came on line in the afternoon , who saved me out from meaningless life. we chatted online for the whole afternoon and it made me feel very happy ^-^ in the evening hippo came back and we went out for dinner, in a small restaurant nearby the market. we ate pork and bought some grapes. we went back through the shortcut but it smelt so bad. maybe because of the residence put too much garbage outside and it became rotten. one shortcut was the place i had the monkey *-* the first ...
i finished the paper after a good dinner with hippo.
another bad news is that the trip to jieju island was cancelled because no one applied for it but us...so ... i should not have become that excited about the trip, i should not plan for it, it is never materialized.

Hyanghua's Adventure in Korea: old friendship forever in this new year

Hyanghua's Adventure in Korea: old friendship forever in this new year

A novel is never anything but a philosophy put into images.

today i became very excited for the first time scince last half month. we got up in the afternoon and hippo and i went to school for my paper and the applying for the trip to jieju island . two of hippo's friends also went to school for the application and we had dinner together in a Chinese restaurant at the back gate of campus. hippo and i became very close and we shared a lot happy time together. and her friends were even more humorous than her, who kept making us burst into laughter. in the evening jihyon came back from the airport after sending her mommy back china,it had been a whole week without her in our dormitory. for me, life without her was less vigorous, as she was the most energetic one among us four, while without hippo, it would be less serenity, as she is more like a tamed sheep. the least mentioned one was too shallow to comment on. today i even got a top secret from hippo about the least mentioned one. i was shocked when the truth revealed in the daylight. it is too top to tell on the blog.^^
in the night, i still wrote on some papers about some philosophy topics... about attitude and christian...
tonight everyone slept earlier than before, maybe they got tired... i am also feeling tired from life. i need to rest.

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.

After The Exam
this morning i took the "English survey" exam, which is actually for the undergraduate students. but as i am a foreign idiot, i had to take the class. the whole semester i did nothing in the class because i did not preview before the class nor review after the class, which made me absence minded in the class with a blank eyes. anyway, the exam was finished in one hour and i think it was easier than the midterm examination. after the exam i felt much relaxed though i still have 3 papers to hand in. despise the result of the exam, i went to celebrate by shopping with my roommate, hippo. in the evening we went together to take my medicine in"guro digital station" after that we went to "hongda university" which i never visited before. hongda university is another shopping heaven for girls and also club places for entertainment. in the streets we could see the top fashion and all kinds of weird clothes dressed by all kinds of people. every time when i went shopping with hippo, we bought bags and wallets , this time it happened again. after that we promised we would never buy any bags, as the bags in our room are strewn everywhere.
and i bought necklace, shampoo and facial masks. we had dinner in the"chicken fried rice유가네" and we ate cheese cake after dinner. it was a nice walking with my roommate all over the hongda university. after the cheese cake we went back to our dormitory, exhausted but relaxed.

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.

i found myself alone in the room when i woke up around 12 pm, feeling very puffy. today hippo had morning class which was one of the big events after my black Wednesday, for her today is black Friday. another roommate went for MT, what a wonderful life! i should prepare for tomorrow's exam and the whole day i did some memory job. i can not remember some English names fast, like Robert Herrick and Robin or (Richard i can not tell ) crashaw... Andrew Marvell, Ben johnson, john Donne... my god, what are the names meaning? i feel a lot difficult to remember the names and the works of them. even "priyam saxana" this name i could not spell and pronounce correctly, i said"prium"^^
i made some calls on the Internet which is cool! so cool! anyone got my call became very surprised at the numbers showing on their phone screen, which made me super happy. they thought some foreign friends were calling them, when they knew it was me, they almost wanted to kill me^^i gave several calls to priyam which probabaly annoyed him a lot as he was escorted by parents always, yet nothing can prevent me. tantrum said they were in "ooty" a green mountain place, with marvoulous views. ooty is in the southern part of india , a good tour spot.
in the night, when i went down to the snack machine , at the corner of the stairs i stepped on a big bug accidentally. i was scared and feeling sorry for the big black bug. please forgive me, i did not know u were under my foot...do not revenge on me ... and wish me good luck for tomorrow!

"Opportunities multiply as they are seized." - Sun Tzu

yesterday was the last black wednesday in this semester and as a survivor of english literature in kookmin university, i still have more work to do for the coming exam on this saturday. but it is very hard to concentrate on the work for a long time. in the evening, i copied some materials on the exam into the new usb and my roommate " hippo" accompanied me to the printing room, where i printed it out and we had dinner in a small resturant i knew , which tantrum also knew. we had "bibimbab" and she loved it a lot. i was studying hard before the dinner in the resturant^^

happily we came back dorm after a wonderful dinner.

Make yourself necessary to somebody.

my long neck was painful because of the bad weather and the sleepless night's tossing. it is another dreary day, no fun. in life we should do something unwillingly like i should read a whole book about English survey in 16 Th century for the coming exam on this Saturday. i am so lost. what a lost season ! the whole morning we were gossiping about the least mentioned girl,who recently had some love affair with a Chinese boy. the problem is that she kept defending herself that she had no feeling for the boy but the truth we saw is she was holding hand with the boy. no one really cares about her petty love affair. i know i am not interested in her story. i am suffering enough without her tormenting me by her love principles... she kept persuading us she is only enjoying the boy while the boy wants to have a serious relationship with her. we can see clearly and objectively as a out stander, the boy is just arriving Korea from china who wants to use some blind senior when necessary. obviously she was behaving like love struck high school teenager....dressing like a baby, wearing strange hair style on the top of her head,buying lots of shoes, cosmetics all of suddern... the gossip lasted from 11 am to 1: 30 pm... we are not caring about her love affair, we are just gossiping that she should not show that conceit of egotism in her heart which was disgusting. a gloomy day began with gossiping was not that bad.
i went out to pay for the dormitory fee for the summer vacation in the afternoon. it was cool outside after the rain yesterday night, silently .... the rain was visiting us on the window, looking into our dreams and smiled away in the morning. ^^ "someone see something ask why? i dream something say why not! "

"Relativity applies to physics, not ethics." - Albert Einstein

Dear Professor,
this time i swear that i wrote the paper all by myself,
each and every word is from my own words though it is lame,it is better than the shame of cheating,
i apologize again for my dishonest behaviour about the paper,
and i am very grateful for your telling me my serious mistake,
it is the most precious lesson i had in my life,
as a stagger prevents one from falling down,
the tears in your office prevented me from shedding blood in the future.
thank you .

Ur's sincerely

(GO to HELL)

after sending the letter to the professor i went out to mingdong for energy bar and other girls' stuff, yet when i was searching for the energy bar in "olive young" , it was sold out. very disappointed, i went away for some facial mask for my aging fast face...hormone is dropping swiftly without tantrum. -.- the facial mask is very expansive compared with my other friends' . they are great with anything at the golden age, i will also be great with anything, but sometimes after tasted the top ones, u can not lower the taste. so human being is. after i know someone top like tantrum, i could not like any ordinary flat boards. charming long eyelash ....^^ my god!
all of my roommates came back for the Monday room-checking, yet Mr Li told us "today is Monday, so Mr Li needs to check------ your rooms , but------ because of the coming examination, i am not checking today. ----hum---THANK YOU very mushroom." after that my roommates regretted for their coming back room, they would have enjoyed their life with friends outside, leaving me alone in the room. anyway, i am okk with my life in the room alone, reading , surfing and eating. what a wonderful life!
in the night i got 2 earring from the hippo, she has a accessory box where a lots of earrings lying sparkling, i picked two out free. very cute ones, for very cute me^^ while i asked for more, she yelled at me and let me"Roll " then i rolled back to my bed trying on the earrings one by one, though there are only two. i looked into the mirror for a long time and my mouth could not closed until i went to bed. even in the dream i thought i would laugh...happy, happy
this week is the last week for this semester and it will be a tough one full of examinations. if i survive this week, it means i have another wonderful sunny summer vacation in my living life.
God bless me and tantrum

"Nobody ever got into trouble by keepin' his mouth shut."

Dear God,
would you like to give me a sign of my life to the right path? i was scolded by the professor to tears the other day, until now i am still living in the shadow of torturing moments, never did i feel that awkward in my living life, someone say i deserve it, i need alarm in my too peaceful, cozy bed, besides the pillow, the alarm went off my god, it is 2 pm again, i sighed deeply, another half day passed in coma, the grey sun was high above as usual, who bothers to see it? the passage is already filled with the scent, flying from the kitchen on the second floor, shuffling to the bathroom, i see into the mirror, a starving ghost, hunger for food, searching with hollow eyes, nothing was there for me to eat, i searched in my mind until i realize i need to go out to buy for my belly , it is evening already, it is not hot . i wanted to buy some leaf, i searched my bag, my wallet is nowhere, maybe i left it in the dormitory, i had some fresh evening air for dinner, which is really cool. enough for a person doing nothing but sleep. no need for food, air is enough... the air for me... looking into the sky, birds are chirping, "yes , i miss you " how could the bird know what do i have in my mind? god , is it you who are talking to me through a bird? i wish i could become into a bird and fly away before the new moon. before the vampire sucks my blood, leaving me a hollow skin.


God Bless the Tanturm

some people do not look like dumb until they start to talk-Gumpism

The Saturday
i was shocked by the time when i woke up this morning which was 1 :30 pm. the whole day i was dazing. my roommates left me alone and i did nothing until very late in the night around 10:30, i began to do some reading, yet night oil was not enough for me to burn too long. my eyelids were becoming heavy soon and i had to wash up and go to bed.
before i crawl into tomb, i was feeling something unreal in my life. it was a name popping out intermittently at the bottom of the screen joggled my heart, i feel a searing, sting pain. unwillingly i was closing my eyes in the cold, dark night. looking back into the past, it was like yesterday, sweet. i become so impatient with myself, i want to skip the scenes to the end. seeing into nextday, a grey morning sun is rising, from my tomb i will be out again moving heartless and i can feel my hands are so cold in the summer...

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." Robert Frost

the whole day i was stuck inside the room alone, another dreary, long tiring day. until the night shadows the city, i moved out for some fresh ideas for my "landscape". on the second floor , i took one picture , a nice place full of adventures. there are some children playing in front of the dorm building. cars were coming and going in the street, the street lamp was hiding behind some branches, if you look up an angle of 30 degrees, the moon came to the vision. i felt something a little further than the lamp is more serene yet less glowing.
i moved to the direction of family mart, another place so familiar to me. the traffic light turned red, i waited for it turned into green.
i crossed the road peacefully, as i knew that no one could hurt me. after a dark corner, i walked through a narrow alley decorated with all kinds of trifles. at this time in summer night, 9 :30 pm it was still bustling with people. in a small town, the small people were there, living until they die. a senior was passing by, it was red, yet he went across the road in a shaky steps.
i shuffled back to dorm with some snacks, because tomorrow is sunday, i need to stay inside not going anywhere. because i am prisoned here.

Young people are in a condition like permanent intoxication, because youth is sweet and they are growing.

Twilight, I Went into Tomb
i woke up around 1 pm today, a little longer morning sleep. i should have slept longer if jihyan's mommy did not come to visit our room. no one knew her mother would come, if the secret leaked out, we would have cleaned the room beforehand. she saw the true dorm life of girls, which was not that messy^^ as i have afternoon class at 3 pm, i had to push myself to the bathroom and to the school. the class was very boring for me. but for attendance i just attended the class.
yet the weather forecast did not tell me there would be a storm soon. it is a storm of me. the pervert professor scolded me for my cheating in paper. she likes to say"as a graduate student, u should not be like this..." blah blah... in my opinion, as a professor who was studying in America for 10 years should not be like the way she is. i think Korea is OK for me to just finish the degree until i met this lame professor who could not even speak English and Korean properly. after the tsunami in my life, i went back room furiously, on the way i met with Mr Li, the dorm teacher, in front of whom i lost control and broke into tears. he was nice to me and pretty scared by my face. in the room, priyam was there online waiting for me and soothing my bleeding heart by some encouraging words. i do not care much about the content, but i felt much better after hearing the voice from the tantrum and thou art enough, thee voice is there. ^-^
in the evening, Mr Li took me out for dinner, later i knew he had finished dinner beforehand.i was very grateful of his kindness as a teacher.
later in the night, i was buried in the "shit landscape " and i went into tomb in the twilight. GO TO HELL

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.

Me Today

The Hall in Front of BUGAK BUIDING"A Black bird"

BUGAK Gate "pick me up after class"

This morning before the alarm , i was informed of morning class today cancelled and would be made up on Friday which meant i would have a black Friday instead. i had a late morning sleep until 12 pm and washed up and had 3 slices of cheese. i have no appetite for anything else. i feel autumn is there outside the window. the climate since yesterday was dropping down swiftly and I could even feel the winter is not far away from now. autumn? since summer is here , can winter be far away? midsummer nights' dream actually is breeding a waking hope for the winter. The Way to The Lab

Move to The Dorm Gate

I came back room after the class in the afternoon, the 2 hour's class passed without leaving slight trace behind, my heart was still unsettled from the missing piece. i could not concentrate on what the professor was murmuring about and looked like someone out of mind, numb face. i opened the PC to see if i can get contact from priyam, after several minutes, the precious name was rising up miraculously like a morning sun! the happy tears were welling up like a fountain. big tears strolling down in a chain of pearls. at least i know the tantrum is safely arriving home. i kept talking about how tough time i am having here in Korea, not caring about tantrum's feelings, i am such a selfish human being.
in the evening i went out for some grapes and leafs, on my way back, at the shortcut near kook min university i was scared by a shade standing in front of me. "hello" he said. i was listening to the MP3 and walking like a dreamer, "hello..." i could not believe priyam was in front of me...the same t shirt , same jeans, same color. i cleared my eyes trying to see more clearly. it turned out to be priyam's roommate. he was going to the market and he asked after priyam's home trip. maybe he wanted to comfort me by some words but i could not speak because i was choking tears back. just say hello and goodbye ^^
i had dinner with cheese rice and mango pickle and some chatting. in the night, lying in bed, i am grateful that i have survived the first day without tantrum. i am feeling my adventure in Korea is just in the very beginning...

"All the ill that is in us comes from fear, and all the good from love". Eleanor Farjeon

Safe Trip
i got up around 8 am , preparing to go to the airport. i thought i could spend my time with myself everyday, surfing on the Internet, reading novels, eating snacks and shopping from today on, yet it tastes so bitter that i could not even sleep late in the morning.

i never saw anyone off in my life but my brother several years ago. i was always the one being sent off. yet this time was a reverse and it was too much for me. the lab mates of priyam were very nice people. we set off around 12pm and it took one hour to the airport. it was a very stuffy and sweaty day, as my mood, which was heavy and suffocating.
after everything was arranged, we still have a little more time, since the morning priyam did not eat anything, so we had two pieces of cheese cake, a cup of strawberry juice, which were yummy yummy. we walked around the airport and we saw off little tantrum tearfully. hope he would take a nice home trip. god bless him. it began to rain when we went out from the airport. i thought the rain would stop the taking off.
the lab mates were very kind and humorous friendly friends. they kept comforting me and distracting me by many jokes. on the way, they had some noodles which was really economic. they just finished three huge bowls of noodles in 10 minutes, which shocked me tearless.

the scenes outside the window passing by without leaving slight traces behind my mind. my head had no space for anything but the spots of time, the precious moments of my life. i was very grateful that they dropped me off at the dormitory and soothing me by kind words. i said goodbye, stepping out the car, all of sudden, i lost control at the sight of the familiar dormitory, the road, the tree, the main gate and every piece of my life in Korea was peacefully lying in my view, but i felt it was such a strange place at that moment i stepped on this piece. the missing piece...

tormented in bed, the pillow was soaked by the tears running across the nose freely. finally i went out to the Korean university playground...too many things left for me...it was windy, i should say something but i lose words. just let the tears dance to the wind. Never say goodbye, goodbye kills the hope of meeting again.

One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.

The Soul
i fly my heart to the moon,
the happiness is booming in my heart crazily,
tick, tick, tick
on the snowflake, lightly
i landed on the moon,
it is a little warm,
melting into one drop of water,
perfect shape in the space
flowing into my heart
tick, tick, tick
one soul